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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22888909">This is Just the Price You Pay</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/unrealitycheck/pseuds/unrealitycheck'>unrealitycheck</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Ding Dong, the Clown is Dead (But Eddie and Stan are Just Fine) [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Eddie Kaspbrak Lives, Eddie Kaspbrak: Human Disaster, Eddie can’t catch a break, Eddie’s life is so hard, Established Relationship, M/M, Post-Canon Fix-It, Stanley Uris Lives, Stanley Uris is a Good Friend</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 11:06:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,202</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22888909</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/unrealitycheck/pseuds/unrealitycheck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Eddie becomes internet famous when an embarrassing video of him goes viral.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Ding Dong, the Clown is Dead (But Eddie and Stan are Just Fine) [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1600483</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>187</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>This is Just the Price You Pay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Saturday afternoon, the following Youtube video was left open on Eddie's internet browser:</p><p><strong>Germaphobe having meltdown in grocery store<br/>
</strong>Posted by aftertheflood57</p><p>Description: Saw this crazy guy ranting in Whole Foods.</p><p>Views: 1.7M<br/>
Likes: 578K<br/>
Dislikes: 334K</p><p>Most recent comments:</p><p><strong>robert bob gray<br/>
</strong>What an asshole.</p><p><strong>BradleyGang<br/>
</strong>I feel bad for that lady he's yellin at. it was only a sNEEZE</p><p><strong>LickOnUrRocket<br/>
</strong>"You've probably infected ALL the vegetables within a 20 foot radius!" lol calm DOWN dude seriously.</p><p><strong>SpaceTurtle85<br/>
</strong>isnt that eddie kasperk or however the fck you spell it</p><p><strong>     alldeadrockshow<br/>
</strong>     Who's Eddie Kasperck?</p><p><strong>          SpaceTurtle85<br/>
</strong>          richie trashmouth's bf. look it up.</p><p><strong>SilverDollerz<br/>
</strong>Pretty sure that's Eddie Kasbrak! The guy's got a scar on his cheek and he's ranting about germs. If you zoom in you can really see the scar!</p><p><strong>SilverDollerz<br/>
</strong>Where was this? LA?</p><p><strong>     aftertheflood57<br/>
</strong>     Yes this was at Whole Foods in LA.</p><p><strong>          SilverDollerz<br/>
</strong>          AHA!</p><p><strong>the irish cop<br/>
</strong>where'd he get that scar from? prison?</p><p><strong>Moose Sadler<br/>
</strong>i'm gonna laugh if he gets the flu after this. serves him right.</p><p><strong>photoalbumfreakout<br/>
</strong>Don't know who Eddie Kasper is but this guy's hilarious. Somebody needs to get him a comedy special!</p><p><strong>MrsK2013<br/>
</strong>I THINK THAT'S MY EX-HUSBAND!!</p><p>*</p><p>It was supposed to be a simple trip to the grocery store.</p><p>Eddie didn't <em>mean</em> to lose control. All he wanted was a handful of organic vegetables, which he would then meticulously scrub with his fruit-and-vegetable wash before the maid got her carefully sterilized hands on them. Letting outsiders cook all his meals was not an ideal arrangement, but this was an unfortunate necessity. Thanks to years of over-coddling from his mother, Eddie could not cook to save his fucking life.</p><p>Richie wasn't any better. <em>His</em> idea of cooking was to throw frozen shit in the microwave, which was a <em>great</em> way to pollute yourself with sodium and preservatives.</p><p>So there Eddie was in Whole Foods, surrounded by Saturday morning shoppers, pushing his cart (carefully sanitized with disinfectant wipes) through the organic produce section. He was about to select a USDA Certified Organic zucchini when this careless <em>bitch</em> started sneezing near the bell peppers. Without covering her fucking <em>mouth.</em></p><p>And yes, Eddie gave her a piece of his mind. <em>Yes</em>, he could have been a little calmer, but bell peppers were next on his grocery list! They were a crucial ingredient in the stir-fry recipe he'd printed out that morning! He did <em>not</em> drive all the way to the grocery store, spending <em>all</em> that time sitting in the beautiful Los Angeles traffic, to watch some perfectly good produce get spoiled by airborne germs. It wasn't that hard to let go of your fucking purse for two seconds and cover your mouth!</p><p>Eddie, unfortunately, should have been the one to cover <em>his</em> mouth. Then he wouldn't have expressed those thoughts out loud in front of a dozen shoppers, including some jerkoff who thought it would be funny to film the whole thing.</p><p>And now, several hours later, Eddie was home alone with his phone clenched in his hand, trying not to panic.</p><p>Who could he call?</p><p><em>The Ghostbusters</em>, Richie would jokingly suggest, if he wasn't busy filming the documentary portion of his upcoming Netflix special. Eddie could <em>try</em> calling him, but he doubted Richie would pick up the phone.</p><p>He couldn't call Beverly either. She was on set with Richie, making sure he was dressed to the best of her abilities, <em>and</em> she was making a guest appearance in the special.</p><p>Bill was off-limits for similar reasons. He'd been spending weeks preparing for <em>his </em>guest appearance, practicing all those<em> "thrusts his fists against the posts" </em>rhymes to keep his childhood stutter from cropping up again.</p><p>That left Eddie with three phone numbers to choose from. Two of those numbers would guarantee him all the sympathy in the world—which definitely wasn't a bad thing—but Eddie wasn't looking for sympathy when all he really wanted to do was kick Youtube in its nonexistent balls.</p><p>So he dialed the third number and waited until a crisp, polite voice said, "Hi, Eddie. Is this an emergency or can it wait until after dinner?"</p><p>It really sucked to have friends who lived three hours ahead of him.</p><p>"Sorry, Stan, but it can't wait!" said Eddie. "I really need to talk to you!"</p><p>"Don't say sorry to <em>me</em>. My in-laws are over, so you'd better have a good excuse I can give them."</p><p>"A good excuse? You want a good <em>excuse</em>, Stan? My whole life is filled with them! I've been mentioned in the <em>National Enquirer</em> not once but twice, my ex-wife still thinks I'm a delicate little baby who needs her protection, and I just discovered I'm a laughingstock and no one can spell my name!"</p><p>This would have been Beverly's cue to say, <em>Calm down, Eddie. Breathe. It'll be all right.</em> But Stan just made this exasperated little noise, halfway between a laugh and a sigh, and said, "What did Richie do this time?"</p><p>"It wasn't Richie for once. It was me! I'm an asshole. I fucked up. It's all over the internet!"</p><p>"Okay, well I haven't been <em>on</em> the internet in the last few hours, since my in-laws came all the way from New York to visit, so you'll have to slow down and explain things to me."</p><p>"I can't <em>explain</em> this to you. You have to see it! I'll send you the video."</p><p>"Jeez, Eddie, how long is this going to take?"</p><p>"It'll only take a minute! I'm sending it right now!"</p><p>"Give me a moment. I've got to tell Patty to put my food back in the oven if it starts to get cold. We <em>just</em> sat down to dinner, you know. You're lucky I'm filled with sick curiosity right now, or I would not be putting up with this."</p><p>While Eddie waited for Stan, he went back to his computer to torture himself with more Youtube comments on his public meltdown. Yet another Youtube user had identified him, this time as "Eddie Kapsbark." Were people really too lazy to pull up Richie's Wikipedia page and do a quick spellcheck? Or even a simple Google search? It wasn't that hard!</p><p>"Okay," said Stan, coming back on the line. "I saw the video and now I'm a little concerned. You spent a minute and forty seconds scolding a stranger because she sneezed?"</p><p>"Without covering her <em>mouth</em>, Stan! Why does no one seem to understand that?"</p><p>"Well, the actual sneeze wasn't captured in the video. So without the full context, you just look like a madman throwing a hissy fit over nothing."</p><p>"That's bullshit! And you know what else is bullshit? I apologized to that lady afterwards, even though she really didn't deserve it, but that wasn't in the video either!"</p><p>"Is it really that big of a deal, Eddie? You were the one telling me to laugh it off when the <em>Enquirer</em> thought the Losers Club was a cult, remember?"</p><p>"That's different. The <em>Enquirer's</em> basically a joke—unlike that video, which is one hundred percent real! Thanks to Youtube, the whole world gets to watch me behave like a crazy asshole!"</p><p>"Why <em>did</em> you behave like such an asshole? No offense, but it seemed a little over-the-top, even for you."</p><p>"I know. I'm not usually an asshole! I'm actually very civil to most people most of the time, believe it or not. I was just a little on edge doing the shopping this morning. This whole Netflix thing has got me feeling tense lately."</p><p>Great, now Eddie was going to unload a bunch of <em>feelings</em> and shit. Stan's dinner was definitely going to get cold.</p><p>"I'm sorry," Eddie went on. "I know Patty and her parents are waiting for you. I can call back later, or talk to Ben or Mike—"</p><p>"Don't worry about it," said Stan. "I've already made it this far, so I might as well hear the whole story. Now why does Richie's comedy special have you feeling tense? Are the jokes really that bad?"</p><p>"No, it's not the jokes. It's the fact that Bill and Beverly agreed to make guest appearances. And Richie asked me if <em>I</em> wanted to make an appearance too, and I said no! But only because I had to. I <em>had</em> to say no, Stan! I'm about ready to self-destruct every time I see my picture in a fucking tabloid. And do you know how many reporters have tried to interview me? I can hardly breathe just thinking about it! If I can't even bring myself to do one interview, there's no <em>way </em>I can appear in a Netflix special, and I know Richie's aware of this and I think he understands, but I still feel like a dickhead for telling him no!"</p><p>"Holy shit," said Stan. "This really beats hearing my father-in-law talk about his ulcer."</p><p>"I'm glad to entertain you, Stan, but this is serious. I can't get it out of my mind. Richie's been playing it fucking cool, like he <em>always</em> fucking does instead of telling you how he feels like a normal person, and it's been eating away at me. I can barely live with myself!"</p><p>At that moment, Patty chose to interrupt, asking Stan if he was ever coming to dinner. Stan promised her five more minutes.</p><p>"Next thing you know, my mother-in-law will tell Patty I'm having an affair," Stan sighed. "Not that Patty would ever believe her, but I'd bet you fifty bucks her mom will say something anyway. Now, to recap <em>your</em> problems... Richie asked you to appear in his comedy special, you declined, Richie did that <em>Richie</em> thing where he wears a mask over his feelings, and you're eaten up with guilt, which brings us to your most recent fiasco: an unflattering Youtube video that's somehow gotten a million hits in a few short hours."</p><p>"Don't forget the fact that people know who I am. And thanks to Henry Bowers, I have a very distinctive face."</p><p>"Right. You're now facing bad publicity, which brings me to the only possible solution, Eddie. You're going to have to go on Richie's Netflix special and <em>show</em> people you're not just a crazy germaphobe."</p><p>"No. <em>No, </em>that is<em> not </em>going to work. I'll just contact Richie's publicist and have her come up with a good statement! Then my name will be cleared!"</p><p>"People will still remember you as the guy who lost his mind in the produce section. <em>And</em> you'll still feel guilty for rejecting Richie's offer."</p><p>What the hell was Stan doing working in accounting? He should have been a therapist.</p><p>"The guilt is something I'll just have to work through," said Eddie. "Don't you have dinner waiting?"</p><p>"We'll talk about this later," Stan promised. "After you think it over a little."</p><p>"Trust me, that won't be necessary! Good luck with your mother-in-law."</p><p>"Good luck with Richie's fanbase."</p><p>And then Eddie was alone again, holding a silent phone, staring wide-eyed at the Youtube page splashed across his computer screen. Against his better judgment, he refreshed the page. The latest comments were the same old bullshit. People either found him offensive or hilarious. Which, weirdly enough, was exactly how most people felt about Richie, except Richie was <em>asking</em> for it.</p><p>The most brutal new comment said:</p><p>
  <em>Can't believe trashmouth's involved with this guy. he could do SO much better. </em>
</p><p>Ouch.</p><p>Eddie needed to call Richie. He <em>should</em> call Richie, but his fingers would not cooperate with the screen on his phone. Instead he felt a sudden, all-consuming urge to <em>run</em>. Last time he felt this way, he had been gathered with the rest of the Losers in front of the Neibolt house, knowing that the seven of them would either kill that fucking clown or die trying. This time, he felt like defeat had swallowed him whole before he even got a fighting chance. He longed to pack a bag and hop on the nearest train, like he ones he used to watch pulling out of Derry when he was a kid, and ride to some far corner of the earth where his shame couldn't follow him.</p><p>Richie <em>could</em> do better. Eddie had known that all along. But Richie, for whatever crazy reason, had set his sights on Eddie and would not let go for anything. And it simply made sense that Eddie—as the most important person in Richie's life—should take part in his Netflix debut.</p><p>It still terrified the shit out of him, though. It was too much. Eddie would probably lose his nerve on camera and make Richie look bad. He would make <em>himself</em> look even worse, which was the last fucking thing he needed.</p><p>Eddie finally closed out the Youtube page, unable to stand the sight of it any longer. Since he still wasn't done torturing himself, though, he left open the internet tab containing the Buzzfeed article that started his whole panic in the first place.</p><p>Buzzfeed was a guilty pleasure. Their quizzes were so addictive, Eddie could get caught in a never-ending quiz cycle if he didn't take care, and he'd picked up some great advice on healthier living. Buzzfeed, for the most part, also had a favorable opinion of Richie after his coming-out, and their articles were far easier to digest than ninety-nine percent of the tabloids. Eddie had accessed the website that afternoon, hoping to unwind with a few (just a <em>few!</em>) of their quizzes, when his attention was stolen by a horrifying article:</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>Richie Tozier's Domestic Partner Might Be the Star of this Crazy Video<br/>
</strong> <em>Beep beep, motherf*ckers. </em></p>
  <p>posted by Sally Mueller</p>
  <p>If you've been online in the last few hours, you've probably been linked to <span class="u">this Germaphobe Meltdown video</span>, which has been spreading faster than the flu. In a few short hours, the video has sparked lots of outrage, plenty of laughs, and some speculation on whether or not this hysterical germaphobe is none other than Eddie Kasbrak: comedian Richie Tozier's <span class="u">recent domestic partner</span>.</p>
  <p>Here's the evidence:</p>
  <p>1. The obvious physical resemblance:</p>
  <p>
    <em>[screencap from the video, placed side-by-side with a candid photo of Eddie]</em>
  </p>
  <p>Mr. Germaphobe is either the real thing or a really good lookalike. The resemblance is really too obvious to ignore, but if you're still not convinced, there's plenty of other evidence, like:</p>
  <p>2. This distinctive facial scar:</p>
  <p>
    <em>[slightly blurry zoom-in from the video]</em>
  </p>
  <p>Does this scar look familiar? It should! Mr. Germaphobe and Eddie K both have a scar (origins unknown) on the same side of the face.</p>
  <p>3. The fear of germs:</p>
  <p>
    <em>[candid photo of Eddie using disinfectant wipes]</em>
  </p>
  <p>Obviously. Eddie K is pretty elusive, but we <em>do </em>know he's every bit as germaphobic as the guy in the video.</p>
  <p>4. The location that just <em>can't</em> be a coincidence:</p>
  <p>
    <em>[Screenshot of Youtube comment: Where was this? LA?]</em>
  </p>
  <p>The original poster of the video confirmed that it was shot in L.A.—exactly where Richie Tozier and Eddie K live.</p>
  <p>5. The obvious choice of grocery store:</p>
  <p>
    <em>[Photo of the Whole Foods Market logo]</em>
  </p>
  <p>Again, Eddie K is elusive and has never consented to an interview, but the tabloids portray him as a frequent shopper at Whole Foods. You can bet he's probably shopped at the exact same store from the video.</p>
  <p>6. This emotional Youtube comment:</p>
  <p>
    <em>[Screenshot of comment: I THINK THAT'S MY EX-HUSBAND!!]</em>
  </p>
  <p>We think so too, MrsK2013.</p>
  <p>What do <em>you</em> think? Is it Eddie Kasbrak?</p>
  <p>Yes | No</p>
  <p>RELATED ARTICLES:</p>
  <p>
    <strong>Here's Everything We Know So Far About Richie Tozier's Netflix Special</strong>
  </p>
  <p>
    <strong>Richie "Trashmouth" Tozier Came Out of the Closet and the Internet is Going Crazy</strong>
  </p>
  <p>
    <strong>Quiz: Pick Your Party Playlist and We'll Tell You Which Iconic Richie Tozier Outfit You Are</strong>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>Even <em>Buzzfeed </em>couldn't spell Eddie's name correctly. Was it really that difficult?</p><p>With Eddie's luck, everyone would start calling him Mr. Germaphobe from now on. His identity in the video would be confirmed soon enough, once he got Richie's publicist to write up a statement, so there was no escaping his new internet fame.</p><p>This <em>all </em>could have been avoided if Eddie didn't feel so guilty over Richie's stupid Netflix special.</p><p>Okay, maybe it wasn't <em>stupid</em>. It was actually a pretty big deal. The comedy special, tentatively titled <em>Trashmouth Reloaded, </em>would be a four-episode series with a dual purpose. Part stand-up routine, part biography, it would give Richie the chance to showcase some new jokes, as well as provide the background behind his highly publicized coming-out. It was this coming-out, rather than his actual career, that had rapidly made Richie one of the most famous comedians of the 2010's.</p><p>And Eddie was caught in the middle of that fame.</p><p>As long as Richie remained in the spotlight, people would be curious about Eddie. They would snap his picture without permission and ask questions he refused to answer. Eddie could live with this, as unpleasant as it was sometimes. This was the price he paid for his happy ending.</p><p>It was a fairly small price, compared with all the shit he left behind in Derry and New York.</p><p>What was two seconds on camera compared to fighting a monster in the sewers? Or battling his mom-clone in a messy divorce?</p><p>Nothing. It was nothing at all. Yet somehow the thought of cameras in his face made Eddie want to run to bed and pull the covers over his face.</p><p>What a fucking wuss.</p><p>"That's it," Eddie muttered to himself. "You are calling Richie and telling him you want a part in his Netflix special."</p><p>And if Richie didn't pick up, Eddie would send him a voicemail. Or a text. <em>Something</em> to let him know he wasn't a selfish dickhead.</p><p>He discovered three messages from Myra, all of them demanding to know if he was the man in the video. Eddie chose to ignore her. Richie kept telling him he should block her already, but Richie didn't <em>know</em> Myra. The moment Eddie blocked her, she'd be on her way to a nervous breakdown, and Eddie just couldn't be <em>that</em> much of an asshole.</p><p>He dialed Richie's number and waited. After three rings, he heard a <em>click</em> followed by Richie's voice:</p><p>"Hi, you've reached Richie Tozier. I can't come to the phone right now—probably because I'm too busy fucking your mom. Leave me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Once your mom's done begging me for more, of course."</p><p>This was followed by a loud <em>beep</em>.</p><p>"Okay, first of all, Richie," Eddie began, "that is the worst fucking voicemail I've ever heard! Is that supposed to be funny? When are you going to grow the fuck up and realize that mom jokes are offensive and in poor taste and you should—"</p><p>"Dude, Eddie, I was just fucking with you!" said Richie. "That wasn't my voicemail. I was here the whole time. Did you really not notice how fake that beep sounded?"</p><p>"Shit," said Eddie. "You got me! How the hell did I fall for that?"</p><p>"I finally got you." Richie sounded far too pleased with himself for pulling off a stupid voice prank.</p><p>He had been trying to trick Eddie for months, putting on various personalities whenever Eddie called his cell phone, trying to convince him he dialed the wrong number. Eddie nearly fell for it last month when Richie did a scarily good impression of his primary doctor.</p><p>"So what's up?" asked Richie. "Is the dog okay?"</p><p>"Of course the dog's okay. She's miles away from <em>you</em>. I just, uh, called to see how filming's going. And to let you know there's stir-fry in the fridge when you get home. And, uh—I made a complete ass of myself and it's all over the internet."</p><p>"I know. I saw the video. Bev's shocked you haven't called her yet."</p><p>"I thought I'd give Bev a break. Did Bill see it too?"</p><p>"Yeah, he and Bev think you need a vacation. I think they're going to kidnap you and ship you to Hawaii."</p><p>"That's not a bad idea," said Eddie. "I'll probably have to change my name and go into hiding after this. Half the internet thinks I'm crazy."</p><p>"Fuck them. I thought it was crazy <em>hot</em>."</p><p>"Normally I'd call you out on your poor attempt at a joke, but I'm pretty sure you were serious. You weirdo."</p><p>"If the rest of the world doesn't find germaphobia a turn-on, then it's their loss, Eds."</p><p>They bantered back and forth another minute or two, then switched to video chat so Richie could show Eddie the hotel where the day's filming took place. Bill and Beverly showed up, both of them offering their support in the nicest way possible. They both looked really good. <em>Richie</em> looked really good. He always did when Beverly dressed him.</p><p>There they were without Eddie, dressed for the spotlight, advancing their separate careers, and Eddie should be joining them. At least to show his support. At least to <em>be</em> there.</p><p>Of course, he would be in the audience when Richie filmed the actual stand-up performance next month. He'd probably get caught on camera for a second or two, but so would plenty of other people in the crowd. He wouldn't be involved. He would just be a spectator.</p><p>And that wasn't good enough.</p><p><em>This is it</em>, Eddie urged himself. <em>No more dicking around. You can do this!</em></p><p>Beverly currently had Richie's phone. She was zooming in on the flowers Ben sent her; a multi-colored bouquet in a gilt-edged vase. Everyone was gathered in the penthouse suite of the Four Seasons. The place was pretty crazy, cluttered with bright lights and equipment, wires trailing everywhere. The film crew provided constant background noise, though their chatter was mostly muffled through Eddie's phone speaker.</p><p>"Hey, Bev? Can you pass the phone to Richie?"</p><p>Richie had a mini fridge open, rummaging through drinks while talking to Bill. He straightened up, still outrageously <em>good</em> looking in the suit Beverly provided. Eddie wished he could crawl through the phone to see him in person.</p><p>Which reminded him—once again—<em>why </em>he had called in the first place. It was too bad they were still on video chat, though. Eddie felt like his face was doing about twelve uncomfortable things while he searched for the right words.</p><p>"Richie, I—uh, I want to ask you something."</p><p>Richie, as usual, betrayed absolutely nothing. "Fire away, Eds."</p><p>"Quit calling me Eds."</p><p>"Right. Sorry. I forgot you prefer Mr. Germaphobe."</p><p>"Still a better name than Trashmouth. How are the interviews going?"</p><p>"Fucking weird," said Richie. "I mean, I'm finally talking in-depth about a childhood I completely forgot. It was always this blank space in my biography, but as soon as this special airs, Wikipedia's going to fucking crash from everyone making frantic edits to my profile. It's insane."</p><p>"The interviews aren't wrapping up for another couple of days, right?"</p><p>"Yeah, I've got some scheduled for Tuesday and Thursday. The house tour will probably be on Thursday. While you're at work."</p><p><em>I could take the day off</em>, Eddie should have said.</p><p><em>Don't do it without me</em>, Eddie should have told him.</p><p><em>You know, I think I've changed my mind, </em>Eddie should have confessed.</p><p>Instead, he blurted out, "Oh. Good luck with that, then," like a fucking idiot, and spent the rest of the conversation telling Richie how their dog was doing. Then Richie had to go and Eddie was alone again, feeling like he <em>deserved</em> that horrible Youtube video. Who was he kidding? Eddie really <em>was</em> an asshole. He could fight a monster, come out of the closet, divorce his wife, and move across the country, but he couldn't bring himself to do one little favor for the most important person in his entire fucking life.</p><p>Why did it terrify him so much? It wasn't like he hadn't been caught in dozens of candid photos by the tabloids. People already knew his name—even if no one could spell it. They already knew his face.</p><p>Eddie picked his phone back up and discovered five more messages from Myra. It was times like these when Eddie really <em>was</em> tempted to block her. He sent Myra a brief text to appease her, telling her not to worry about him (yeah, like <em>that</em> would ever happen), then spent several minutes typing and retyping a message to Richie:</p><p>
  <em>Need to talk when you get home. You're not in trouble! I promise! It was me this time. I'm really hoping I can make it up to you. Good luck with filming! I miss you. </em>
</p><p>There.</p><p>That was the best he could do under the circumstances.</p><p>*</p><p>Eddie spent the next hour eating a salad with a bottle of Perrier sparkling water—his personal favorite, since Perrier was supposed to be good for digestion. Not that Eddie often <em>got </em>digestive problems. He avoided all the common triggers as a rule, but his salad contained tomatoes and it was better to be safe than risk getting an ulcer or something. He followed up the Perrier with a gin-and-prune-juice cocktail, which he also drank for its health benefits, no matter how much the other Losers teased him for it. They wouldn't be laughing when their livers went to shit!</p><p>With his health cocktail in one hand and his wireless mouse in the other, Eddie sat in front of his computer again, watching clips of Richie's performances from the past year.</p><p>Richie always seemed so confidant on stage. Eddie knew this was just another mask he wore. Richie was just as insecure as the next person, probably more so than most people, but it never showed through on stage. He got up there in front of dozens of strangers, over and over again, like it was no big deal, and Eddie had never envied him more.</p><p>He was still sitting there, eyes glued to his computer screen, when the dog took off and started yapping at the top of her tiny little lungs. Eddie got up to follow her, feeling his throat constrict with that old familiar tightness. Richie hadn't replied to his text and now he was <em>home</em>, and Eddie didn't have the first fucking idea how to explain himself. What was he going to say? <em>Hi, Richie. I'm sorry I'm such a wuss. If Pennywise was still around, he'd be morphing into a camera crew right now.</em></p><p>As soon as Richie was done scratching Mercedes behind the ears, he tossed a small, rectangular package at Eddie.</p><p>"Complimentary hand wipes from the penthouse. I know how you love your disinfectant products."</p><p>"I would love them even more if you used them more often," said Eddie. He shoved the packet of wipes back at Richie. "Keep these. You need them more than I do."</p><p>"Uh, no thanks. I'm still <em>super</em> skeptical of this shit. If you're constantly killing 99.9% of germs, then what do you do when you're exposed to the 0.1% that got away? You probably have <em>no</em> immune system."</p><p>"My white blood cell count is excellent, actually. Which is why it's very important to take Vitamin C! It builds your immunities!"</p><p>They bickered all the way to the kitchen, where Eddie showed Richie the leftovers in the fridge. He realized his throat no longer felt tight. He could <em>breathe</em>, thanks to Richie distracting him. It was like Richie somehow always knew when Eddie was nervous and picked that exact moment to start in on him, and it always made Eddie feel better in the end.</p><p>If Richie was concerned about Eddie's text message, he didn't show it. He fixed himself a bowl of stir-fry and made Eddie tell him, in embarrassing detail, the full story of his meltdown at Whole Foods. Eddie mixed a second health cocktail, figuring he needed it, and sat across from Richie at the dining room table.</p><p><em>This is it</em>, he thought, maintaining a death grip on his cocktail glass. <em>Just say it already!</em></p><p>"How the hell do you do it?" he asked Richie, taking strange comfort from the glass in his hand. It was almost like gripping his old inhaler.</p><p>Richie was currently glaring at the abundance of cauliflower in the stir-fry. "Do what?"</p><p>"How do you get in front of the camera without having a heart attack? The thought of being on camera—<em>any</em> camera—terrifies the shit out of me."</p><p>"Why? <em>You're </em>not going on camera."</p><p>"I should, though." Eddie kept breathing, steadying himself, knowing it was <em>okay</em>. "I—I want to. If this Netflix series is about your life, then <em>I</em> should be a part of it, and it was wrong of me to say no when you asked me to be involved. It's been eating away at me for <em>days</em>, man. I lost my shit in a grocery store because of it! But if it's not too late, I want to change my mind. Do you think the film crew can schedule me in somewhere?"</p><p>Eddie finished his speech with a big swallow of gin-and-prune-juice. When he looked up from his drink, he found Richie staring at him with nothing but pure honesty, all his masks cast aside.</p><p>"You know, sometimes I wake up and still can't fucking believe you actually love me back," said Richie. "Because I definitely did not do enough good shit to deserve this."</p><p>"Dude, what the fuck? I don't deserve <em>you!</em> I don't know how I managed not to have an aneurysm all those years we were apart! You're good for me, Richie. You really are. And I, uh, I want to tell that to the cameras. Even if I freeze up on set and look like a total fucking jackass."</p><p>"Freezing up's not that bad. Do you know how many times I've puked before going on camera? The first time I appeared on Comedy Central, I literally thought I was going to hack up my intestines."</p><p>"Okay, wow, you really do have a vomiting problem. That <em>cannot</em> be good for your esophagus!"</p><p>"It's not like I can help it! Sometimes I just—I don't know—<em>feel</em> too much and my body goes nuts. Like I'm puking up all my feelings and shit!"</p><p>"I'm calling your doctor on Monday," said Eddie. "And he's going to refer you for an endoscopy. Which I should have arranged for you ages ago!"</p><p>Richie stabbed a piece of cauliflower with his fork. "Fuck, no way. Isn't that where they stick a fucking <em>tube</em> down your throat?"</p><p>"It's not as bad as it sounds. The doctor can put you to sleep!"</p><p>"Great, so you want me to get drugged and tortured."</p><p>"It is <em>not</em> torture! This is for your health!"</p><p>The two of them got so caught up in their argument over medical procedures, the original discussion was dropped and Eddie forgot to feel anxious about appearing on camera.</p><p>He remembered in the morning, though, and had to take Mercedes for an extra-long walk to ease his anxiety. Then he had to text all the Losers about his decision, to prove that he wasn't backing out.</p><p>Stan was perfectly smug in his response, of course. Bill was proud of him. Ben and Mike both offered their undying support and promised to encourage him all the way.</p><p>Beverly was absolutely thrilled. <em>I already prepared an outfit for you</em>, she messaged Eddie. <em>You're going to look amazing!</em></p><p>Eddie doubted that, but he would settle for looking moderately good. It helped that he would be in the comfort of his own house while the cameras were rolling. He and Richie agreed it was best for Eddie to do his interview at home. He could show off the house, introduce the world to their lovable Pomeranian, and find plenty of safe, familiar places where he could panic in private.</p><p>Despite everyone's support, Eddie had a feeling he <em>was</em> going to panic. Richie's publicist prepared a statement about the Youtube fiasco, which Richie then posted on all his social media platforms. The statement confirmed that Eddie was the germaphobe in the video and apologized for his so-called "thoughtless actions." Eddie <em>seriously</em> doubted the general public would be focused on the apology part.</p><p>(Myra, for instance, left him eight new messages. Why was she still so fixated on him?)</p><p>Even Buzzfeed couldn't let him off the hook. After Richie made an announcement about Eddie's big decision, Buzzfeed just <em>had</em> to post an article titled:</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>Guess Who's Joining the Cast of Richie Tozier's Netflix Special<br/>
</strong> <em>Does the word germaphobe ring any bells?</em></p>
</blockquote><p>Stan had been right all along, though. If Eddie hoped to recover from all this bullshit, he needed to show everyone that Mr. Germaphobe did not define him as a person.</p><p>He would get in front of those cameras and force himself to smile and probably have a dozen panic attacks along the way, but it would all be worth it.</p><p>*</p><p>Eddie's Top 5 Biggest Regrets were currently:</p>
<ol>
<li>Marrying Myra</li>
<li>Letting his mother control him</li>
<li>Taking forty fucking years to admit he was gay</li>
<li>Losing his shit in a grocery store</li>
<li>Opening his stupid mouth (willingly!) in front of a camera</li>
</ol><p>He wouldn't say the interview went <em>badly—</em>at least not at first. Beverly stayed in town an extra week and succeeded in making Eddie look so presentable, he barely even noticed the scar on his face.</p><p>The first part of the interview was pretty simple. Eddie sat on his spotless living room couch, holding Mercedes in his lap while he answered a few basic, relatively harmless questions, like:</p><p>
  <em>How does living in L.A. differ from living in New York?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Richie often mentions you in his act. Has he ever made a joke about you that went too far?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>What motivates you to stay so healthy all the time?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>What's your favorite William Denbrough novel?</em>
</p><p>Then he got up and gave the camera crew a brief tour of the house, spending most of his time in the kitchen where he kept the vitally important things like:</p>
<ul>
<li>His blender</li>
<li>All of his gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free, nut-free ingredients</li>
<li>His bottle of fruit-and-vegetable wash</li>
<li>The cabinet dedicated to vitamins and protein</li>
<li>The cabinet where Richie kept things that Eddie would never touch in a million years</li>
<li>Mercedes' all-natural, organic, vitamin-rich, non-GMO dog food</li>
</ul><p>Eddie was actually starting to relax at this point. He still held himself a little stiffly and imagined he looked incredibly shifty-eyed, but he could breathe. He could do this. It helped that Richie and Beverly were on the sidelines the whole time, standing behind the cameramen, ready to support him.</p><p>But all their support could <em>not</em> stop Eddie from embarrassing himself once he left the kitchen.</p><p>It went something like this:</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>Eddie: </strong><em>[holding Mercedes for moral support]</em> And this is the laundry room. <em>[pushes open door and nervously pokes his head inside] </em>I, uh, can't tell you much about this place. I'm not sure what goes on in here, but the maid always walks out with clean clothes in her basket, so she must be doing something right!</p>
  <p><strong>Question: </strong>Have you always been dependent on hired help?</p>
  <p><strong>Eddie:</strong> No, not since I moved in with Richie.</p>
  <p><strong>Question: </strong>Who did your laundry before that?</p>
  <p><strong>Eddie: </strong>My mom. <em>[jaw clenches]</em> Yeah, it was my mom who did it. She insisted on doing <em>everything</em> for me. Everything! The laundry, the cooking, the dishes. She even picked out my clothes for me until I was twenty-two! It was always, "Oh, don't worry, Eddie-Bear. I'll take care of it!" I was her precious little mama's boy until I was thirty-fucking-<em>six</em> years old, and it only ended because she kicked the bucket!</p>
  <p><strong>Mercedes: </strong> <em>[whines a little]</em></p>
  <p><strong>Eddie:</strong> Sorry. <em>[hugs Mercedes a little closer]</em> I'm sorry. This will be edited out of the final cut, right? <em>[strained smile] </em>Let's get out of here and see the garage.</p>
  <p>
    <em>[Eddie, still holding Mercedes, heads into the garage where he shows off a spotlessly clean vintage car.]</em>
  </p>
  <p><strong>Eddie: </strong>This is my '68 Thunderbird. I found it last year in Santa Monica, at a vintage car show. It's the most extravagant thing I've ever bought, but sometimes you just have to spend a little extra on yourself.</p>
  <p><strong>Question: </strong>There's an interesting anecdote about this car, we've heard.</p>
  <p><strong>Eddie: </strong>There was an incident where Richie spilled milk and cereal all over the driver's seat. I'm pretty sure he's telling that story at his stand-up show, so you'll hear all about it from him later.</p>
  <p><strong>Question: </strong>Tell us more about your interest in cars, then. Is this a lifelong passion or something you picked up recently?</p>
  <p><strong>Eddie: </strong>I've loved cars my whole life. When I was a little kid, I had all these Hot Wheels and Matchbox cars that I would play with for hours. When I moved out here, I started going to vintage car shows a lot. There's an abundance of them around here. I guess it's not very "gay" of me to go to car shows instead of going to musicals or whatever the fuck I'm supposed to be doing, but fuck that. I spent my whole life doing what people expected of me and I ended up living a lie until I was forty.</p>
  <p><strong>Question: </strong>Those are powerful words. Do you have any advice for anyone out there who's still struggling inside the closet?</p>
  <p><strong>Eddie: </strong><em>[looks directly into camera]</em> Don't be scared of who you are. You're not <em>sick</em>. There's nothing wrong with you. I spent my whole life fucking terrified of my own sexuality and it was miserable. I would have these, uh—these <em>nightmares</em> about a rotting leper chasing me around because I thought that simply <em>being</em> gay would give me a disease right on the spot. Part of it was my mom's fault. <em>[jaw clenches again]</em> But also, when I was nine, an <em>actual</em> rotting homeless guy came up and offered to blow me. At first he wanted to charge me, but then he offered to do it for free because I had <em>such</em> a magical fucking childhood! <em>[eyes widen in panic] </em>Oh, God. Please edit that out.</p>
</blockquote><p>"Okay, so it wasn't a <em>complete </em>disaster," Eddie said, pacing around his living room an hour later. "But I still feel like a fucking idiot! I mean, what the hell was I thinking, bringing up the homeless guy? I never talk about that shit!"</p><p>"You were just nervous," said Beverly. She was seated on the couch, sharing a bottle of wine with Richie while Eddie frantically paced in front of them. "It's okay, Eddie. You did fine."</p><p>"Except for the part where you carried Mercedes around the whole time," said Richie. "Remember Paris Hilton back in the day? How she carried that little chihuahua everywhere?"</p><p>Eddie abruptly halted in front of the couch. "I am nothing like Paris Hilton!"</p><p>"<em>That's hot</em>," Richie said in his best impression of a rich blonde airhead.</p><p>"Stop it! That's not funny! None of this is funny!"</p><p>"Eddie, come here," said Beverly. She reached for Eddie's hand and tugged him to the couch. "Sit down. Have a drink. Remember that this was your very <em>first</em> interview and it could have been so much worse."</p><p>She was right. Beverly was <em>always</em> right. Eddie accepted a wineglass and ended up on the couch, squished right between Richie and Beverly, like they were kids all over again on movie night in Richie's old basement. Beverly leaned her head on his shoulder and Richie grabbed him by the hand and Eddie decided that <em>maybe</em> he wasn't going to explode after all.</p><p>"Do you guys really think it wasn't that bad?"</p><p>"It was uniquely Eddie Kaspbrak," said Beverly. "You couldn't have done it any other way."</p><p>"That's nice of you, Bev, but what if everyone ends up hating me?"</p><p>"Not sure if you've noticed, but I'm hated by plenty of people out there," said Richie. "Before I came out, people hated me because they didn't like the jokes, or my image, or whatever. Now I've got assholes telling me they 'liked me better when I was straight,' but fuck their opinion. You can't make people like you, Eddie. You know this. We're <em>Losers</em>."</p><p>"And we've all seen much worse than a few mean comments on the internet," added Beverly. "I think you'll be okay, Eddie."</p><p>*</p><p>He <em>was </em>okay.</p><p>At least until Netflix released a sneak preview on their official Youtube page.</p><p>By this time, the internet had gotten bored with the germaphobe video, but it still experienced plenty of hype during its brief popularity. It had gone viral for a solid week, spawned a couple of memes, and even got mentioned on <em>Late Night With Seth Meyers</em> and <em>Jimmy Kimmel Live. </em></p><p>And thanks to Netflix, all that attention had started up again. Eddie <em>knew</em> he couldn't complain. He had gotten himself into it this time, but it was hard not to feel like a jackass while reading Buzzfeed's latest compilation of social media reaction posts.</p><p>When it all became too much, he ended up on the phone with Stan again.</p><p>"Is this going to be quick?" said Stan. "The birds aren't going to watch themselves."</p><p>"Don't pretend you're not enjoying this, Stan. You know you love hearing about my problems."</p><p>"I wouldn't call this a problem, exactly. It effectively erased your identity as the germaphobe guy."</p><p>"Yes, but I feel like that sneak preview didn't capture the best side of me. Of all the clips they could have used, they chose the section where I talk about my stab wound! Couldn't they have picked something a little less weird?"</p><p>"Weird shit sells," Stan said calmly. "Just look at Richie. And look on the bright side, Eddie. At least people are no longer speculating on whether you got stabbed in prison or something."</p><p>"Yeah, they're too busy thinking I'm glued to my dog. So far, my face has been photoshopped onto Paris Hilton <em>and</em> Reese Witherspoon in <em>Legally Blonde</em>, because apparently you can't walk around holding your dog without being compared to either of them!" Eddie paused, reminding himself not to panic. It wasn't that bad. It was NOT that bad. "<em>And </em>I've been photoshopped onto Al Pacino, which truly proves how insane people are."</p><p>"Why Al Pacino?"</p><p>"Because of <em>Scarface!</em>"</p><p>Stan was silent for a long moment. Then he let out one of his rare, quiet chuckles. "That's actually brilliant."</p><p>"Richie's pissed because he didn't think of it first. And <em>I'm</em> pissed because my nickname's going to be Scarface until the internet finds something new to laugh at—which will probably be soon, since that's the way my life goes!"</p><p>"I'd take Scarface over Germaphobe any day. Plus it suits you, Eddie. You've got balls, going on camera the way you did. Are you sorry you did it?"</p><p>"No," said Eddie, and it was the truth. "No, I'm not. I guess I <em>needed</em> to do this. I'm part of Richie's life now. It's about time I opened up a little and stopped hiding from the spotlight. What's the worst that can happen? A few lunatics out there who think they're being clever on the internet? I shouldn't care what they think."</p><p>"That's the spirit, Eddie," said Stan. "Or should I say Scarface?"</p><p>"Oh, no. Don't you fucking start."</p><p>"Or else what? Will I have to say hello to your little friend?"</p><p>"Damn it, Stan!"</p>
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